The enduringly risible Fifty Shades phenomenon really hasn't taught us girls anything we didn't already know. So do the majority of women fantasise about being dominated by their partners? It's always been that way. You're just learning to deal with it.More surprising perhaps, is that men are starting to want in on the act. A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine reported that men have submissive fantasies in equal measure to us. Alas, society doesn't give you guys much opportunity to explore your acquiescent sides. The big strong man is expected to be both the gentleman and the beast, to throw us against the wall, give us multiple orgasms and not fall asleep before we do. And women still want that. Sometimes. But we are nothing if not mercurial. The study also found that those who have submissive fantasies are far more likely to entertain dominant ones too.So, imagine if instead of playing 'hunt the pleasure point', you were ordered where to touch, stroke and lick to get her off. Imagine being able to turn up the heat for both of us without having to lose breath. Gentlemen, it is possible. All you have to do, is let us take the reins.
Testing new limits? You'll need a professional sexologist to show you the ropes… if rope's your thing.
Hello Doc. How do I encourage her to dominate without telling her to?Welcome, bitch. The best way is to give her extra positive feedback whenever there's a chance for her to call the shots during sex. For example: "You look so hot when you ride me." That's a good start. Pleasure, you see, works on a feedback loop. If someone expresses delight from any activity, you're likely to get pleasure too and to repeat that act. Otherwise, "I'd love to worship you" rarely fails.
Um, OK. But is she really likely to be up for it?
Absolutely. Even so, make sure you sell your adventure into submission as a mutual experiment, and a way of maximising her arousal. If she thinks it's all about exploring your freaky side, she's less likely to be receptive.
Yeah but, it sort of is about my freaky side…
If you're confessing a fetish, be prepared for her 'squick' face (the face someone makes when they are weirded out by someone's kinky desires). But remember that her reaction to how you describe an act out of context doesn't mean you can't try and renegotiate later.
What if she gets carried away?
That's one of the main reasons guys can be unwilling to submit-you might want her to play with your behind, but freak out at the thought of a dildo up there. Similarly, she might love the idea of you worshipping her feet but would feel less enthusiastic about you ejaculating on them. Set boundaries, and don't play on the same day as you negotiate. If she's shown no signs of wanting to pummel you from behind before, it's unlikely she'll unleash the fury. Most find it hard to release their inner-demon, even when invited. And you don't need to give in to her every whim. It's the submissive, not the dominant, who sets the limits.
(Inputs by Indore-based sexologist Dr Mahesh Nawal.)
Four signs you're a submissive
Chances are, you're already a yielder. MH tells you how to take it to the next level
01. Her on top rocks
You love the view and she loves the depth. Now get her to lean forward and cling to your chest-digging her talons in if you can take it. It'll give her the leverage she needs to get a more dynamic pumping action, while you let yourself be well and truly ridden.
02. You're an oral aficionado
Take your devotion for oral sex to the next level. Instead, swap going down for going up. Her on her knees with you licking from behind allows her to grind back on to your mouth for extra stimulation.
03. You love to wait
Give her the power to decide when you climax. Do this by setting a verbal command or by getting her to loop her thumb and forefinger around the base of your penis. When she wants you to slow down or pull out, she clamps tighter.
04. Extend foreplay
The key to great sex is a good foreplay. It is the warm up to the final act. Besides increasing arousal, it will make her crave for more.
Be a good boy and listen to her commands. Give more than she asks. Tempt her and tease her till she reaches climax.
(Inputs by Mumbai based sexologist Dr Prakash Kothari.)
Give in to your brain
Delhi-based psychologist Dr Pulkit Sharma on how our taste for the sinful thrills of submissive sex come hard-wired
Build the tension
Much of the thrill of relinquishing control comes from not knowing what's going to happen next, which in turn generates a release of the anticipation neurochemicals dopamine and adrenaline on the same level as with extreme sports. When tied up, we're toying with our fight-or-flight reflex in an exaggerated way, given that we can essentially do neither.
Put a sock in it
To the untrained eye, gagging looks ridiculous. But psychologically and neurochemically, it has a lot going for it. Hampering the ability to shout for help releases adrenaline while the mild threat of asphyxiation produces an opioid release, mimicking the experience of orgasm during sex. Safe words are hard to express when gagged. Pick a gesture.
Be a naughty boy
The chemicals released by your brain when you orgasm are the same as your body's natural painkillers when you hurt yourself, or think you're about to. A well-paced, brusque spanking, or hot wax dripping on to your chest, can lead to a feeling of genuine euphoria.
Pleasure that rests on increased arousal raises your dopamine levels, so you value the outcome more. The longer the wait, the greater the eventual pleasure. But ignore the tantrics: Orgasm denial can be plotted on an optimality curve. Tease someone too long and they'll simply lose interest.
Worship the feet she walks on
Toe the pleasurable line of the underrated erogenous zone
It's the feet that have it. Forget the inside of the thigh, the nape of the neck or the curve of the breast. Most smart men know that the route to sexual nirvana for both is best travelled on foot. Handled correctly, a well-tended foot will see you get just desserts.
Consider your approach. Don't plough straight in for a mouthful of Big Toe. Start by asking her how she likes to be touched. If she's prone to ticklishness, keep your fingers around the top of her foot. Be confident and tender simultaneously. And make sure your hands are warm.
A foot massage is the best way to break in a novice fetishist. Rub your thumbs across the ball of her foot. Work down the foot and up the leg. Use a massage oil but more importantly, use your eyes. Seeing you aroused will turn her on more than anything.
Now your reward. Lead her to the tease by rubbing her foot over your boxers. If she's still smiling, hold the soles of her feet either side of your penis and tell her how great it feels. You're now two feet away from intense pleasure.
(Inputs by Neingu Tsang, senior therapistSpa La Vie by L'Occtaine, Mumbai.)
Know your limits
Use this sliding scale as a guide to make sure that your gains always outweigh your pains
Cuff up: 1
An oldie but a goodie, cuffs should be loose enough for you to leave them on overnight. She's in control, you're in pleasure town.
Cock ring: 2
Designed to keep you harder for longer and swell to pre-climactic levels. It'll feel good for you, even better for her.
Wax play: 3
The thrill is in the anticipation of the drip. Have her blindfold you first to heighten your senses-and your enjoyment.
You lie down and she straddles you with her knees either side of your head before lowering herself down. You feel enveloped, euphoric and mildly asphyxiated.
Slide a vibrator into her and control it with your mouth. It may not sound hazardous, but one twitch in the wrong direction and you'll have a lot to swallow.
The ultimate physical act of male submission and the most uncomfortable. If you're not keen, at least you'll know how she feels when you suggest anal.
Join the sub culture
MH experts explain the fine art of pleasure and how to take it lying down
Always stay actively passive
Lie down, but be prepared to follow new orders. The only thing worse than a disobedient submissive is an inattentive one.
Sometimes close your eyes, but only when she tells you to. Sight deprivation increases arousal for both of you, but only if she's controlling the situation.
Never fall asleep, or react so little that you might as well be. Aside from being a massive insult, it's seriously unwise, especially if you happen to be tied up.
You can get all the benefits of submission without going anywhere near a suffocating mask. Just so long as you know where to draw the line
Gagging for it
Don't use a ball-gag. Drooling like an OAP isn't sexy. Plus, you know, Pulp Fiction…Do Get her to stuff her knickers into your mouth-it has the required silencing effect, plus the obvious olfactory benefits.
Tie and tease
Don't buy a latex straitjacket online. You'll curse and sweatDo Get her to use two scarfs-one as a blindfold and one to tie your wrists. Then, wait for the drama to unfold.
Spank you kindly
Don't allow her to use a cricket, baseball, or any other kind of bat on your behind.Do Let her bend you over the bed and give you 10 of the best with her bare, cupped hand, lightly colouring the cheeks.
Rule no. 01
Master-slave roleplay is 50 shades of vanilla. Swap traditional, grey roles to arouse truly unrestrained desire. First, set the tone and confess your fantasies to her by text. She can follow your lead, for now.
Rule no. 2
When playing dirty, it's tempting to skip the sensual stuff. But don't forfeit foreplay - kissing, touching and slowing it down even more than usual will delay pleasure, heightening the intensity.
Rule no. 03
It's all very well buying fancy gear, but do either of you know how to use it? Always pre-test the equipment. Let her take a practice swing with a paddle before you play for real. After all, her 'medium-hard' might be your 'broken'.
Rule no. 4
Set a safe word. You'll think it's lame (as if she could ever suffocate you through face sitting!); the word you settle on will sound lame; you'll probably never use it and therefore consider it lame-but real men don't take the risk.
Rule no. 5
Society gives us a lot of hang-ups about kink, so don't be surprised if either of you express embarrassment in the immediate aftermath. Own your desire. Hug, and return to a more routine bonding activity, like ordering a pizza and watching something on Youtube.